We had to go to Walmart tonight because they were the only store that had something that we as a family wanted very much. So, we, as a family, went to Walmart in Westminster. I have never been a big fan of Walmart. The quality of the clothing is not real high, the place is like a warehouse store with linoleum, and in some areas, it doesn’t attract the finer clientele, if you catch my drift.

Some Walmarts are fine, kept up nicely, not very disgusting at all. In my unscientific opinion, based on observation of about 4 Walmarts, these nicer stores are connected to malls, such as Buena Park Mall or Orange Mall. I have come to believe it is because there are numerous other shopping choices for customers, and therefore Walmart is forced to compete on a higher level. The disgusting ones have been stand-alone stores, or occupy the largest business in a strip mall. It’s a destination store that people intend to visit. They know they’ve got you.

I should have suggested we head to the one at Buena Park Mall. The Westminster Walmart has a filthy parking lot that I didn’t even want to walk through. There was trash and even an apple just strewn all down the walkway through the parking lot. The decorative fountains in the lot were not running, the concrete was broken up and in one place there was a chunk of concrete just sitting on the walkway. A big chunk, not a pebble, but a quasi-slab. Inside it just felt icky. Fortunately what we wanted was very close to the front of the store, we hit the self checkout and left. We had to walk that gauntlet back out to the car. Both times passing the stranded fruit, Melody said “there’s an apple!”

I guess I should try to focus on the sunny attitude of my child at times like this.

UPDATE: here’s #373, a shopper slapped a child – not his own – because she was crying. Read the story here.

I have long been a pet lover. As a girl, my family got a dog, a small, wiry, terrier mix that I named Lucy. She was a 10-pounder but her power over our family was enormous. One of the few times my dad ever sent my mom flowers at work was when Lucy passed away at 12 years old.

Some people don’t have pets for various reasons, and some people don’t like them. I respect that; everyone’s different. However, I love pets. There is something wonderful about the unconditional love and affection that pets can give you. As a young woman in college, I went with a roommate down to a pet store and got a kitten. He was gray and white, the cutest little puff ball I had ever seen. We named him Robin. Really, his name was Robin Hood because the Kevin Costner movie was popular at the time, but that’s so much more corny than Robin we just didn’t have the heart to call him that. (And can you imagine the vet visits? “Uh, for Robin Hood Jones?”) Even though my friend and I split the cost of getting this pet for us, my heart was forever taken by him and when she moved out he stayed with me. My little boy, Robin.

Robin has had a few buddies over the years – Caspian, an orange and white tabby I adopted from an old boyfriend; Wylene, my black cat from my friend Samantha; Lerxt, John’s enormous and unusually named cat; Browser, our neurotic and terrible watch dog; and Nano, the most laid back Chihuahua I ever met. Some other buddies were roommate’s pets: Fred, Barney, Simone and Figaro. Everyone seemed to find their place in the petting order.

We’ve been through a lot, he and I. We moved from apartments to houses, back to apartments, and back to houses. Twice he and I moved from one house to the house next door and he acclimated better than I did. I have bought him at least 100 collars over his life, and about 98 of them lost under the bushes in Orange. Although he was intended to be a house cat and was declawed, he loved being outside. At one house we lived in, there was ivy all across the front yard, and at times I would come up the walk and all I would see was his head sticking up out of the ivy. He could watch and not be noticed.

He was “cock of the walk” when we lived in Orange. He kicked ass and took down names, more times than I can remember. There were scratches across his nose almost as frequently as there were dead creatures left on my doorstep. Robin tried to continue this when we moved to Cypress and sustained a terrible leg injury from a dog attack. My mother in law and I nursed him back to health and the ability to walk again. But, the stress from the attack brought on a heart condition, and although he was fairly healthy, he never really was the same.

Between January and August of this year he had become very thin. On the day of Melody’s birthday party, a large patch of hair had come off one of his sides and it never really grew back. He was stiff and slow, didn’t hear well and didn’t see well. His motor and his smeller worked, and he could always find the food or my lap. I think because he couldn’t hear well, he tended to meow louder than any cat I’ve ever known. In May he celebrated his 18th birthday, which in cat years is something like 97 for a human.

Last week, Robin went out front, something he rarely did since we moved to the new house. He always stayed close though so I wasn’t too worried. But by Saturday night he hadn’t come back. By Sunday I was very worried and put out fliers in the neighborhood. Monday, I checked the pound website and registered for email alerts on new inpounds. On Wednesday I accepted that I may never see my boy again. It is just not like him to be gone this long when he knows he could be getting pets and loves and air conditioning at home.

Pushka Babushka, Mr Kitty, Fur Face, Little Boy, Robin Bee-Bobbin, Mr Man Cat, I don’t know where you are, but in my heart I am hoping you are with Caspian and Lerxt, chasing bugs in the backyard, sleeping under a bush in the shade of the day, purring while you eat, and watching the dogs cower in fear of you.

One of his “lazier” days

Inside the cube of our cabinet on moving day 2005

I was reminded this morning of some of the crazy things people have said to me and about me on the internet. They are ridiculous, all of them, because 99.5% of these people did not actually know me in real life (IRL). They were 2D people I met through various websites, but mainly through one we used to own that shall be referred to as AB.com. AB.com was a site that attracted a lot of…interesting…people. Many were musicians, fond of the singer/songwriter genre of the 70s, a few hippies, and a bunch of people I will lump together as “the religious group” because there were several denominations represented, a couple of them fanatical. They were sensitive, poetic, thoughtful, funny, charming, clever, and for the most part anonymous.

One aspect of the internet is that people are able to hide behind a screen name while they make comments in text they would never say out loud to someone’s face. While certainly some of us represent ourselves as who we are IRL, others take the condition of anonymity as license to be cruel.

One of the people I met through AB.com but later met IRL was Cat. She is a clever, witty and genuinely kind person with a bit of a wicked sense of humor. She specialized in 50 cent words that her detractors didn’t quite know the meaning of without the assistance of a dictionary and thesaurus. You know I found that hilarious. So, there was a flame war (series of posts escalating in the intensity of the insults) going on the public message board and through the private messages. At some point, someone started addressing Cat as Anita. I didn’t pay much attention to that. The slings and arrows went back and forth until finally one of the women contacted the admins, complaining that Anita was being mean to them. Wah wah wah. We told them to just ignore her because frankly, the fun for Anita was inciting their frustrations.

So, shortly thereafter, there was a post on the public board, calling her out, calling her names, calling her Anita, over and over, ending the post with “We know who you are, Anita!” The sublime hilarity of the whole thing only became obvious when we realized that Cat had listed her name in her profile as Anita Mann. Say it out loud, you’ll get it.

Another time, a woman who is certifiably crazy developed some vendetta against me. She trolled the internet trying to smear my good online name and all around make life terrible for me. I’ll call this lady Detta. So, Detta found out that I have other websites that I visit, maintain and/or own. After Detta had called me anti-Christian, hateful, insulted my character many times over, and called me fat, she went to one of my other sites and created a profile called “MarthasHater.” It wasn’t called exactly that, I’m just protecting the innocent. MarthasHater then went on to try to slander me some more, and shortly thereafter I deleted her from both websites. I loved the fact that at this particular website, she got no sympathy from the members. They ROFL’d right in her face and may have even LMAO’d.

Detta actually had the temerity to email me demanding to be reinstated because she was sorry. Awww, she was sorry.  How touching. I didn’t reinstate her. I also deleted the numerous other accounts she created after that trying to get herself back onto the site. It became ridiculous and I just quit communicating with her. About three weeks later she apologized again and begged to be allowed back onto the site. You can imagine, I didn’t bother to reply. Besides, I wasn’t even fat back then.

Once I got a death threat. After about five minutes of being seriously scared, I realized it was the ranting of someone seriously disturbed in the head. You see, the threat was over a website tantrum. It was basically “if you don’t get rid of so-and-so, I’m going to hire someone to come out there and kill you!” Once I stopped seeing red, for I did not like demands over petty website disagreements, I remembered other incidents with this person and I knew she was unbalanced in the head. The next day, she ah, “clarified” her statements to suggest she was only kidding. Yeah, and I’m Michelle Obama.

That’s it for today’s installment of “crazy things people have said to me on the internet.” Check back soon for “the time we absolutely could not laugh at the bad singing,” and “the FBI is monitoring us.”

What is a passive injury, you ask? A passive injury is when someone is doing something relatively benign, like sitting still, and manages to injure themselves somehow. The list below is compiled from real injuries to real people I know. Their names have been excluded, but you might be able to guess some of them. All these injuries are real, as are the explanations of how they occurred.

5. Injured neck cutting vegetables. Recently, Ms KP shared that she needed to see the chiropractor for a neck injury. Upon further explanation, it was discovered that while she was cutting some vegetables for dinner, the carrots and celery jumped off the cutting board and karate chopped her, in a bid to escape the stew pot.

4. Wrenched hip watching TV. Mr MK was watching an exciting game of basketball on TV. He stood up to get a drink from the kitchen and as he did so, wrenched his hip and was forced to sit down and complete the game without a beer. His wife simply laughed at him.

3. Pulled shoulder muscle turning off the shower. Mr JG was giving his toddler daughter a bath. Upon hearing it was time to get out, she used a Jedi mind trick on him causing him to levitate away from the bathroom at a rapid rate of speed. However, he had already reached for the faucet to turn off the water, and his extended arm was sucked behind him as he accelerated out of the room, causing his shoulder muscles to contort in an uncomfortable manner.

2. Broken rib while feeding the cat. Ms DM had a special treat for her kitty cat, Mr Jingles. Unfortunately, Mr Jingles was none too excited about the catnip scented wheatgrass she had just placed in his bowl. While she was still leaning down, he tripped her by winding his body around her legs, causing her to stumble into the counter top, fracturing her rib.

1. Pulled muscle while sleeping. This one surely takes the cake. Mr JG again. As he was sleeping, he was dreaming of playing tennis. An involuntary muscle spasm caused by increased adrenaline, brought on by the excitement of the dream, caused him to swing at the oncoming ball. His arm moved swiftly, but since he was lying in bed he did not have a full range of motion and the impairment of his swing caused him to pull a muscle in his arm.

Bonus. Back thrown out while brushing teeth. Ms MBM was brushing her teeth during her 5 day mission on the ISS, because of course, she is dedicated to good dental hygiene after all. A small meteor hit the ISS and startled her, causing her to jerk involuntarily. Upon her return to Earth, Mission Control debriefed her while she was in traction for the injury.

Stay safe out there, America!

Dear Dunkin Donuts,

I remember as a young girl growing up in Orange County, CA there was a Dunkin Donuts at Harbor & Warner. My sister and I would sometimes go there to get a donut. She denies this, but I remember. Once we got a dozen (you can guess our parents were out of town), and the dog ate one. We all loved Dunkin Donuts! Especially that one with the chocolate cream filling. Delish!

Sadly due probably to the flagging economy and the rise of Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts pulled out of California in the 1990s, and that old Dunkin Donuts shop was turned into a video rental/Chinese food store. It had a drive up window and I wonder if that facilitated video rentals. But, I digress.

WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING HERE???

Per your website, the closest Dunkin Donuts to my zip code is in Las Vegas, NV. I’m not driving to Vegas for a donut people, and your coffee is just coffee. Heck, I don’t even drive to Vegas to see Love, which I really want to see, or to gamble, and I love me some blackjack, or even just to enjoy the food and the shows and the casinos and all the wacky people walking the streets. Hm, digressing again, sorry.

Please open a store in Southern California, prefereably Orange County, maybe even in Irvine hint hint, or, quit your advertising here until you do. I understand the concept of driving demand through advertising. I remember the Krispy Kreme frenzy. I remember driving 40 miles to La Habra for a Krispy Kreme donut with my friend Sarah in the middle of the night. I get it! But you have no stores here so driving demand while offering no pay off really just pisses us off. Nothing like rubbing it in to make us want some donuts, right? Yep, great marketing idea!

America might run on Dunkin, but out here in the wild and uncivilized west we’re still running on independent donut shops, Starbucks and Peet’s coffee.

Rant over. Love,

Me

In the past week, several famous people have died.

Ed McMahon

Farrah Fawcett

Michael Jackson

Billy Mays

Fred Travelena

I guess it is true they they always go in 5s.

I have been following the case of Savana Redding, a middle school student who was strip searched while at school in a misguided attempt to find prescription strength ibuprofen in her panties (seriously, Advil?). When I first read about this, I was outraged. Not by the fact that an honors student was accused by another student who had a known vendetta against her and the principal believed the accuser. Not by the fact that after searching her backpack nothing was found and the school administrator felt it was necessary to remove her clothing. Not by the fact that the administrator is male and the student female (although he was not present during the strip search). Not even by the fact that Savana was compelled to remove her clothing and pull open her panties in front of two women who have no right to see her in less than jeans and a tee shirt. I was outraged that Savana’s parents were not called or allowed to be present during this humiliating violation of her person or to protect her from this in any way.

While at the doctor’s office for certain “female” types of exams, my male doctor has a female staff member present. I am a grown up and he is cautious not to imply inappropriate behavior in any way.

When a child is questioned by the police about a crime they may have witnessed, their parents or guardian are present to protect their best interests.

Why in the world is it okay for a school to force an early teen girl to remove her clothing in front of strangers without her mother present????? Heck, her mother didn’t even know!

You bet they got their asses sued. Good thing it wasn’t my kid, I might have forced the principal to be strip searched by a flaming homosexual to see how he likes his personal parts to be on display. Okay not really but it sure sounded good in my mind. I am seriously outraged by this.

Thankfully the Unites States Supreme Court agrees with Savana that it was not cool for the school to force her to pull open her panties in front of a nurse and a secretary. Ahem, I’m an assistant and there is no way I’m qualified to look inside a girl’s panties, have some sense people! Unfortunately, the Supreme Court did not find that the male administrator who orchestrated this fiasco is liable for punitive damages. Lucky him.

Savana is in college now and hoping her ordeal will pave the way for students in the future to never undergo an experience that so violates their person. Schools for some reason think they are immune to preserving a student’s civil liberties and rights. I hope (yet don’t expect) that this will be the moment when students while on campus begin to be dealt the simple rights accorded to them while they are just walking down the street.

I was delighted a few weeks ago when I was invited to write a guest blog post for the Orange County Register’s Mom Blog – a blog for moms written by moms.  Sort of a ‘by the people for the people’ thing.  I’ve been reading the Mom Blog for about a year or two, and recently had the distinct pleasure of meeting some of these fine ladies at a local Mom Blog meetup (there were actual men there too).  I hope you’ll take a minute to check me out because this is my big shot at fame, baby!  My guest blog post has been posted at the Mom Blog.  I’ve always wanted to be a writer; this makes me feel like I’m going in the right direction!

Thanks to Suzanne Broughton from Alive in Wonderland, who opened up this great opportunity for me!

UPDATE: I was so excited when I posted this I forgot to mention, even if you never commented on a blog in your life (Edith) please comment at the Mom Blog on my post!  It’s only speculation on my part, but maybe if I get a lot of comments they will ask me to guest blog again.  :-)