If you have ever seen any of my home repairs, you are laughing at the idea that I will start a handyman business. I’m capable of very minor repairs, but installing baby gates resulted in major damage to two walls and the newell post of our stairs. You could say I know just enough to be dangerous.
Unfortunately, the yahoo who built the additions on our house only knew a little bit more than me, it seems. My dad and I built shelves in Melody’s bedroom, but the recess is SO out of square we practically have trapezoid shaped shelves. I had a new bifold door installed on our linen closet with a similar reaction from the installer – it’s very out of square. While that is normal everything seems a bit more out of square in our house than any other house I’ve lived in. How hard is it to use a plumb bob and a level in construction? Everything seems to be a little more wonky that it ought to be. As another example, all the outlets were installed upside down and in different colors – black, beige and white. It was just lazy construction work I think.
Our upstairs bathroom was decked out in hideous simply gorgeous pink tile and oak accents, including the toilet. Very 80s. We have long thought that we would like to change out the wooden toilet seat, but it recently became a requirement as the toilet seat broke. Keep your snarky comments to yourself, people. Now I’m all for recreating the past, but splinters in my patoot just isn’t something I want to experience! My friend suggested these toilet seats that have a child seat that folds down onto the regular seat, so I went and got one. It eliminates the padded seat thingy for Melody. I’ve changed out the toilet seat on other toilets. I’m a capable woman. Piece of cake, right?
Please refer to paragraph two here. Oh, and just for those of you who don’t know, a toilet seat is attached to your toilet with a couple plastic or nylon nuts that screw up against the underside of the base of the bowl. Not too difficult.
These little buggers were screwed on so tightly the plastic had actually conformed to the shape of the bowl underside AND was sealed ad infenitum in perpetuity world without end with a dab of silicon caulk. I was afraid, very afraid, that I would have to run for the downstairs every morning if I could not get that seat off there. I even called my dad because of course the screws themselves were rusted to the fixture. What a mess.
Well, it took me two days of dogged determination, motivated by a desire not to sit down on the seatless bowl in the middle of the night, but I got that yucky old wooden toilet seat removed. I actually had to take a safety cutter, cut away the sides of the plastic nut, all while turned upside down with my head wedged between the bowl and the wall, and then using sheer will and brute force pull the screw/nut combo up through the hole.
My new toilet seat is lovely.
Notes from the Melody Maker 
After all that effort I hope you brought a book in there the first time you used the seat!
You certainly could think of something more creative than Handyman, like Handymom, Handywife, Handydandylady, just to name a few.
Ever go to Home Depot and see official “contractor pencils” up near the cash register? Notice how they’re square. That’s because if contractors used round pencils during construction, the pencils would be forever rolling away since NOTHING is level. Betcha didn’t know that lil’ tidbit. You will LOVE your toilet seat, if for no other reason than the sense of triumph you’ll have whenever you sit down. If you ever replace other toilet parts, just make sure you follow the directions when it says not to over tighten or the bowl/tank can/will crack. It will. A little is good, too much is bad. Just ask my father who has YET to learn this lesson.