If you don’t watch True Blood, you can skip this rant.

An open letter to Alan Ball, director of True Blood, Sundays on HBO

SPOILERS IF YOU ARE NOT CAUGHT UP WITH EPISODE 9

Dear Mr. Ball,

What in the hell? We all knew you were going to move away from the storyline of the Sookie Stackhouse books, but did you really need to take the story this far away? There is a reason those books are so successful – the story lines are relatively simple. They are not confusing. They focus on the main character, Sookie Stackhouse. You are leaving after season five and if this show gets renewed after season six it will be a surprise, but Charlane Harris is working on book eleven. Seems she has a better grasp than you do on what makes the story of a mind reader-vampire-werewolf-magic-fairy-shifter world work.

Some of the changes you made were great – I love Lafayette! Jason didn’t turn into a were-panther! Franklin Mott was scary awesome!

But really, the extra story lines are not adding a thing to the show. I cannot tell you how many times I have watched an episode, only to feel like it was rushed, overly packed with tangled and unrelated scenes, and exhausting. Watching the previous week’s recap is a requirement these days just to get my bearings. This has been my main complaint since season 2. Can we all groan together: Maryann, ugh. Terry & Arlene? Don’t care. Sam & Luna? Detracts from the main story. Hoyt and the Obamas? Might possibly have contributed to the main story, but then we got Bud Dearborn at the end of it? WTH? Really, the best you could come up with was Bud Freakin Dearborn? And some fat chick we have never seen before and will never see again. /sarcasm/ Great story development there. /end sarcasm/ And really, was it necessary for JD to defeat Alcide? Part of what makes Alcide awesome is that he becomes the pack master and evolves into the great leader and ally he is meant to be….in the books.

Then there are the unresolved story lines that you have likely forgotten about and will just leave behind in the wake of your departure. Such as Jason’s beef with Kitch for using V. That was three seasons ago and Jason seems poised in the right position as a deputy sheriff to finally do something about it, but instead he’s chasing after his lost virginity. And just this season, there was Jesus’s crazy step-grandmother. Lafayette ran away from her like his ass was on fire but we will surely never see her again, because that’s the way you do things. What happens to her? 

Making groundbreaking TV, or even just interesting TV, is probably an exciting and difficult job, and I commend you for bringing these much beloved characters to the small screen. But Bill taking over the vampire Authority, and world politics on True Blood? This isn’t Game of Thrones; it’s okay for the story to stay inside a small ecosphere. It just seems ridiculous that Bill would experience some fanatical revelation and abandon mainstreaming after striving for years to make it work. His love for Sookie drove him to hold onto his humanity and in the flash of a fantasy he abandons it all for a religious calling? It was bad enough you made him King of Louisiana. I didn’t agree with it but I went with it. This is just dumb and (dare I say it) unrealistic in a completely unrealistic TV show.

Be brave and kill some major character…like Tara the vamp. After the hell you have put her through since season two, the best thing that could have happened to her would have been she died and came back as a ghost to haunt Lafayette. Or Arlene – she and Sookie aren’t even friends after book three, in fact I think Arlene is in prison. If I have to hear her whine “I got kids…” one more time I might just scream.

I laugh every week when I read reviews of the previous nights episode and they are filled with praise and “OMG” and other silly pandering. Let’s call it like we see it, folks. The show is lost and struggling. You don’t need to make the supporting characters more interesting. They are supporting characters. Where is the development of Sookie’s struggles or her coming to terms with being part-fairy? Where is the sexual tension between her, Bill and Eric? And what’s with her lightening hands? She did just fine with lemon juice, iron, wooden stakes and silver in the books. Quirky, but yeah, this is a world where vampires, werewolves and shape shifters are real so quirky defenses work there. Sigh.

One thing I do have to thank you for in season five… So far we haven’t had any man-man kissing.

My recommendation for the writers of season six is that they open on a close up of Pam, waking up and hearing Eric in the shower….I just had the strangest dream.

Sincerely,

A frustrated fan